alter ego

I am bothered by my incapacity to find anyone interesting. It’s been so long (that I can’t even remember) since someone - and by this, I mean a person whom I know in real life - has sparked my interest or tickled my weird-bordering-on-the-perverted imagination or ignited a mote of my lust and desire. The funny thing is it seems that there are quite a handful of people who are really interested in me and are keen on getting to know me better. I give myself the excuse that the problem lies with the people I mingle with, but later on, when I look out the window of the vehicle I’m in on my way home, I know that the problem lies within me. I’m not sure but maybe I’m again in this phase of my life when I feel that interactions with humans are trite and any concern that is not mine is not worthy of investing my thoughts and time in. Or maybe, this is really just me- the person who painstakingly maintains a 2 meter radius from anyone, the person whose earphones are always on because she does not want her air space to be invaded and the person who cringes away from potential lasting human interactions.

And I am bothered. Disturbed. And maybe, even concerned.

And now, something else bothers me more - I am all of these.

So a friend is planning a surprise birthday party for our birthday-friend (I shall refer to him as “birthday-friend” from this point forward to avoid confusion). My reaction was one of hardcore surprise and disbelief. I don’t know, Maybe I’m rude and mean and skeptic but my thoughts were “Why do you want to do this? He’s not even a good friend to you! What makes him so special? NOTHING!”.

Well, the two of them were really tight way back in HS. And then, I don’t know anymore. I just don’t know. I mean, he did bad things to her. I just don’t know.

Birthday-friend is still my friend, obviously. We also got along really well in HS. During those ancient times, I was one of the people he used to confide in, if not the only one. And then came college and… aargh. I don’t want to go down this lane. Let’s just say that there was a falling out and things went really bad (on my part at least) and then BAM! Here we are now. We talk occasionally, we see each other occasionally, I crash on his house occasionally, nothing more. We talk about serious stuff like marriage, gender, hate etc and that’s all. I don’t know. I used to really value him and what we had. I mean, we used to talk a lot. Not just talk talk but discuss and converse like the intelligent and sensible people that we are. We used to never ran out of things to talk about. We exchanged opinions, mull over ideals, laugh at each other’s stories and we never said sorry for ourselves. Gosh, I used to fancy him. Like fancy, fancy, Hard-core, deep-rooted fancy. But then after the falling out, I just couldn’t think or feel for him the way I did before, even just as friends. For me, he’s just someone who is there occasionally, someone who bugs me if he’s got no one else to bug, someone who is temporary, non-durable; someone’s whose bound to disappear anytime without word or notice. He’s like a billow of smoke - something I see, something that is there, but I have really no way of holding or grasping and will disperse and disappear anytime soon. I sure appreciate our intellectual and political conversations but that’s all there is to us. We connect on an intellectual level but our heartstrings (WTF?!) are flimsy. I feel like he’s someone I could not trust, someone I could not invest my friendship and emotions on. And it’s awful.

Bottom line, I agreed to what my friend was planning; not for birthday-friend’s happiness but for her. She’s nice and sweet and maybe she still holds birthday-friend close to her heart, so I’ll indulge her. I know this will make her happy, therefore it’s good.

Speaking of friends, I should make up with my best friend soon. Meaning now.

-Neurotikka 10/18/2010