alter ego

Maybe I should find myself new friends.
But I barely get interested in other people.
And it’s not that I’m arrogant or I think I’m better than everyone else but I just can’t.
Involvement is a messy thing that will lead to vulnerability and fuzzy feelings and intimacy and expectations and disappointments and depression and suicidal thoughts and so on and so forth.

I don’t know.

I’m taking a break away from people.

I’m taking a break from my friend who, every time gets a new lover, makes his life revolve around that person. But when he gets his heart broken, calls me.

I don’t know. Maybe I feel like I am being taken for granted. That I am only relevant and only existent when everyone else is unavailable. That I am the last option. That I am his fall back for his every break up and heart break. I’ll take a break from him for a year. Maybe I’ll forget and then I’ll see what happens.

I’m taking a break from my “occasional” friend, who just reaches out to me when he needs something or when all of the friends he prefers to be with are not available and he needs to get out or go somewhere or do something or whatever.

Again, this makes me feel irrelevant. A last resort. A last option. Worse, he’s one (if not the only one) of those people who gets me (I think) and whom I get. And when he asks me for anything, I simply can’t say no because I know it will be a sure high. It sucks. It sucks. But anyway, I’ll take a break from him too. As long as he does not talk to me or whatever, all is good. All is good.

I’m taking a break from my med school friend (as if I haven’t had enough “away time” from her) because whenever we meet, all she talks about is herself and herself and herself. I’m used to her being like this. Or more accurately, I’m used to being used to her like this. But right now, I just don’t know. And I don’t know what happened.

Maybe I just can’t bear to talk to her anymore because all she’ll ever do is regale me with her med school stories and I get a little envious and irritated and jealous and I’ll start to think along these lines - “All things considered I’m still better than you, IQ and intellectual capacity-wise. And if only I were in med school as well, you’ll see how I’ll shine and kick ass but I’m not and you are and I guess I’m really bad at making decisions but I have to keep this feelings all to myself”; and then I’ll plunge into self-loathing and self-pity and depression and I’ll be more lonely.

I’ll come around. We’ll come around. But I need to take a break for now.

Seriously, I should stop writing this. The point is, if I am irrelevant in their lives, why should they be relevant in mine?

This is what happens when you care too much.
And this is why I don’t want to be involved.

BUT I AM LONELY.
AND THE PEOPLE WHO I USED TO BE WITH ARE NOT AROUND ANYMORE.
I KNOW WE’VE GROWN AND GROWN UP LIKE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO AND THAT WE HAVE OUR OWN BUSINESSES TO HANDLE BUT IS THIS WHAT BEING AN ADULT IS LIKE?
I CAN BE ALONE. IN FACT I AM USED TO BEING ALONE.
I CAN BECAUSE I TAKE COMFORT IN THE FACT THAT I STILL HAVE “MY PEOPLE”.
BUT NOW, I DON’T.
AND I CAN’T FIND AND MAKE NEW OR ADDITIONAL “MY PEOPLE” BECAUSE I AM A BIG FAT COWARD WHO DOES NOT WANT TO GET INVOLVED BECAUSE I CAN’T DEAL WITH EMOTIONS AND WHAT-NOTS.

AND SO, I’M LONELY BECAUSE I’M ALONE BUT INSTEAD OF BEING WITH PEOPLE, THE MORE THAT I WITHDRAW AWAY FROM THEM.

I AM SO SOCIALLY AND EMOTIONALLY INCAPACITATED.
HELP.

I thought I could subsist on books, movies, music, series and the internet.
But still, nothing can replace people.

Aaaargh, I just want to be relevant to someone’s life, that is all.
But I don’t want to get involved.

THE IRONY THAT IS ME.

O SIGURO KELANGAN KO NA TALAGANG BUMILI NG CELLPHONE, ANO?